


Lights Up

by harrowin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorder, Self Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-28 14:24:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21138161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrowin/pseuds/harrowin
Summary: Taeyong is tired.





	Lights Up

**Author's Note:**

> hi  
i’m sad so here, have this.  
not proof-read 👉🏻👈🏻

Taeyong is tired. He’s tried his best to trick people into thinking that he’s okay, but it’s so incredibly exhausting. He’s sick of the faux normalcy he’s been continuously immersed in.

The boy stares at his reflection in the mirror, taking in his appearance. He notes his disheveled pink hair, greasy and unwashed, curling slightly at the ends. His thumb brushes against the side of his face, dipping into his sunken in cheeks, letting out a small sigh. His skin is a sickly looking greenish hue, the bags under his eyes a violent purple.

Taeyong pulls off his clothes, dropping them in a small pile next to the door. He turns his attention back to the mirror, bottom lip quivering as he stares hard at his body - his bloody thighs, kissed with self-harm scars, ragged lines in zigzags down his legs and his chest, ribs descending deep into his body.

He feels a tear run down his face, mouth twisting into a scowl at the bitter taste of salt. He bites down on his lip, blood flooding into his mouth. His wipes his mouth with the side of his hand, wincing slightly at the metallic tang of blood. 

Taeyong sinks down to the floor, ass sat on the miniature rug he keeps in his bathroom. His body quivers, chest heaving as he starts to sob. The worst part is that he doesn’t know why he’s crying. He has no real reason to, but that doesn’t stop the tears. In fact, they steadily get worse, until he’s struggling for air. 

He’s not thinking clearly, just opening the cabinet and pushing around the bottles until he finds what he’s looking for. At last, he finally finds what he’s been looking for, grabbing at the container with sweaty hands. 

Taeyong tries to take a deep breath, twisting the cap off and shaking out a bunch of small, blue tablets into the palm of his hand. He swallows them down with gulps of water from the sink, throat convulsing, desperately trying to force them down. 

He shakily sits down, burying his face into his hands. They seem to travel downwards on their own accord, squeezing tightly at the skin folds around his ribs. They pull harshly at the pouch his stomach. His nails scratch at the hefty meat of his thighs. 

He’s so tired. Time seems to go by devastating slow, here, sitting on the cold floor of his bathroom. Taeyong realizes after a few minutes that he doesn’t want his voice to be the last thing he hears. He picks up his phone, fat fingers tapping on the cracked screen. Ten’s contact picture pops up, and he smiles softly, clicking call.

Ten picks up after a few beats. “Hi, honey. It’s late, why are you still up?” His tone doesn’t necessarily sound disapproving, just groggy, like he’d been asleep and woken up just to take Taeyong’s call.

Taeyong laughs wetly. “I just wanted to hear your voice, that’s all. I miss you.” He can almost hear Ten’s answering smile, pictures it clearly in his head. Blinding white teeth, thin red lips stretched out in an agonizing cute grin. 

“I miss you too, TY,” Ten says, before hesitating and saying, “You’re not having one of your episodes again, are you? I can hear that you’re crying. Baby, why didn’t you call me sooner? You know I’d come over right away.”

Taeyong frowns, scratching at his cuts nervously. “I’m fine, Tennie. I’m just tired, that’s all. Just wanted to say Goodbye.”

Taeyong can hear him processing that sentence, and he regrets saying it as soon as it comes out of his mouth, knows that Ten is going to come rushing over to take him to the hospital, and god, Taeyong is so done. He wishes he wasn’t so selfish, wishes he had the strength to stay. 

“I love you.” He says before Ten can get anything out, hanging up to the sound of his best friend’s protests. 

He shakily gets dressed, slipping out of his apartment (not before shooting a small “I’m sorry. I love you. I wish I could stay for you” text to Ten). He leaves his phone on the couch, only bringing his body with him.

He walks for twenty minutes, ending up in a small park near where he went to high school. Taeyong sits against a large oak tree, staring up at the sky, wishing he could see the stars. The tears have returned, silently slipping down his flushed face.

He’s scared. He doesn’t know what’s coming next, never having been a religious person. Would he go to Heaven? Would he go to Hell for being gay? Would he be reincarnated into a bug, or a little girl? Or, maybe, he’d just cease to exist. It didn’t matter what happened, though. Anything was better than this. 

Taeyong’s eyes begin to droop, body sluggish. He felt like there was molasses running through his body. He’s pleasantly warm, even though it was anything but warm outside. He eventually allows his eyes to close. It feels like moments later he feels a hand touch his shoulder, and he begrudgingly opens his eyes. He’s surprised that he isn’t in Seoul anymore, although he doesn’t recognize where he is now. He’s in the middle of a field, leaning up against a rock. The grass is blindingly green, the beautiful hue of millions of flowers of all colors surrounding him. 

Taeyong sits up, standing up with wobbly legs. Standing beside him is a woman he doesn’t immediately recognize, although he eventually realizes that it was a girl he had gone to school with that had died last year from an illness. He can’t remember her name, but instead of feeling distressed, he feels… peace. 

He takes her outstretched hand. It is warm, but not clammy. She tugs him towards a bright door of light, and together, they walk through.


End file.
